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I work so hard every day, not like the rest of my generation, partying away their dad's money at college. Val: How do you know what I want? Sharing these fantastic quotes with your girlfriend will mean everything to her. If you made out with me right now!
But that didn't work either, you still wanted to marry me. I'm going to kill this Chad guy when I get my hands on him!
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I mean, c'mon, you know she doesn't use that stuff for glaucoma. Tyler: All right, I'll talk to Val. You're not that great a salesman. Tyler: Have you seen my plaque. And the picture of the plaque. Jeff: I think you want whoosh. When you're talking rockets, bang is bad. Jeff: If we are, do I still have to watch Riding in Cars with Boys. Holly: Oh, I'm just playing a little game. It's called getting killed by the elevator while Gary does nothing. I mean, I don't want you moving to Japan. Holly: Your life is fascinating. Jeff: This mattress is kicking my butt situation. Holly: I'm going to stay with Nana until Dad gets back. Val: You don't have to stay with Nana. Holly: No, Val, it's a good thing. I should spend time with her while I still can. Val: She uses it for glaucoma. Holly: Look, Dad got another promotion at work. I still have to pay Dad a dollar every time I say suck. Jeff: Wait a minute - what about if you were to say Hey, kid, don't suck your thumb. A lot of people your age have problems with the technology. Dude, I'm only ten years older than you. Gary: I went in to get my movie. It's one of those movies where I'm like, man, I would love to be one of those characters. Jeff: You wanna be one of the Ya-Ya Sisters. I went in to get The Matrix, man. Jeff: You want free cheesecake for a year. Jeff: You guys aren't fighting, are you. Jeff: But I have seen Ya-Ya Sisterhood. What i like about her quotes That's about a mother and a daughter. Weren't you paying attention at all. Please don't make me watch it again. Val: Isn't it called Palm Pilot. Jeff: Not if you buy it off a guy in a van. Val: Same guy who sold you the Rulex. Holly: It's the Good Roommate Chart. It was issued to me after a very unfortunate pull-my-finger incident. I'll just tell Jeff you missed the bus. Val: Giving feels good, doesn't it Holly. Holly: It's like a rainbow in my heart. Holly: If anything goes wrong blame the red-headed kid. Holly: Look at him, he's guilty of something. It's pretty boring until some guy named Chad shows up with beer that he got with a fake I. Everyone starts drinking, the two sides merge. Chad hits it off with Holly and tells her that he's thinking becoming a pro tennis player, she thinks he's cute because he has the kinda hair that looks perfect when he does nothing to it. He offers her a beer, Holly smiles. I'm going to kill this Chad guy when I get my hands on him. Holly: When Val comments about how Holly's skirt is too short Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't I go see if I have something in my Amish drawer. Holly: to Gary And then, on the way to school, she said damn. Gary: Man, my parents would never let me miss school. Holly: laughing Gary, perfect attendance is something to be proud what i like about her quotes. Gary: That's what it said on the sash. Val: How do we figure out where she is. Jeff: Would it be cheating if we read the flyer to the party. Gary: Time to take one for the scrapbook. Gary: Time to start a scrapbook. Holly: So, what you tell your brother you're using the car for. Gary: To deliver food to old people. Holly: Is that what you told your parents. Gary: Oh, no no no, they'd never believe that. They think I'm at a jump-rope marathon for the Heart Association. Gary: Girl, yeah, they're making a big comeback. Holly: Gary, why would a hobo do anything to you. Gary: Because they have nothing to lose. Gary: Don't be tempted by their free-spirited lifestyle. Val: Hey, why is my birthday written on your hand. I think the real question is why is mine not written on yours. Holly: I know, and to a poor poor little bird Gary: Like you even like birds. The International House of Gary. Gary: Oh, you make it sound so cute. Gary: That parrot is my favorite thing in the zoo. Jeff: My favorite thing is when the monkeys go off in the corner and. Kyle: Well aren't you going to give me the bird. Holly: I'd love to give you the bird but I am holding Timmy. Holly: Do you want his number. Holly: to Jake I kinda get the feeling that you like me and don't get me wrong, I like you too. Holly: There is nothing to go for. For starters, his last name is Wood. Holly: I told Jake I knew he had a thing for me, but he denied it. Then he told everyone what I said and now they all think I am conceited. Jeff: Are you saying he denied the heat. Jeff: So he did like you, but you rejected him first, then he turned it around to make you the object of ridicule. Holly: You don't eat turkey on Thanksgiving. Gary: Oh no no no, turkey - sacred in my family. One actually saved my great-grandfather's life. Jeff: Well, they are known for their heroism. See, according to legend, my great-grandfather went for a walk on Thanksgiving morning and got lost in a blizzard. Yeah, he wandered around for hours what i like about her quotes he came upon a wild turkey, who led him back to safety. And that brave bird was the last turkey my family ever ate. Flower Guy: That kind of turkey is not for eatin'. Flower Guy: Well, it's for eatin' obviously, but you know what I mean. Gary: Hey, do you think that flower guy was serious about the MacArthur Platinum. Holly: You know about wingmen. I also know that butt crack is the new cleavage. Holly: Yeah, but you can't keep your money in there. Gary: Oh, well, you need money. Well, how about you write a book on how to break the spirit of an eighth grader. I don't want to get any brains on me when your head explodes. But you're broken now, so you're nothing more to me but a worthless piece of plastic and I hate you. Holly: talking about iBop Yes it came, I love it and it's mine. Gary: You said I could have it. Holly: That was before I fell in love with it. I love it like a little tiny child. After Gary leaves It's ok, baby. Jeff: She soaked a man's chicken and lost four lobsters. Jeff: When she left, it was the best. Jeff: No, after she quit, the busboys had a party. Do you know how much courage it took to march back in here. Jeff: So basically, all you need to focus on now is chopping up these peppers. Holly: Are you sure you don't want me out there with all the customers. I mean, I'm such a people person. But tonight, I what i like about her quotes you to be a pepper person. Holly: Hey, I finished all the peppers. Want me to go what i like about her quotes and help the waiters. You finished all the green peppers. You still have two more colors to go. I'll chop anything in any color. Server: We need a poached sal- where is everyone. Server: Well, who's going to cook the food. Tell everyone the chef's throwing the menu, it's omelette night. Gary: Ooh, Holly's making omelettes. Can I have one with sundried tomatoes and just a little- Holly and Jeff: No. Gary: Either you're missing a lobster or that is one freaky cockroach. Gary: Well, I say we celebrate. Holly: Let's celebrate sitting down. Female co-worker: Vic and Val almost kissed. Male co-worker 1: That's from the sister, it's gold. Male co-worker 2: Does the second floor know. Take off your top or something. Lauren: Eh, they don't want to see those again. Why didn't you tell me about this. Henry: He's my brother, do you think I gonna go around bragging about it. I mean, if you had listened to me, this would have never come up. Holly: Okay, what does this mean. Henry: I don't know why they're here, I don't wanna know why, and I hope I die without knowing why. Holly: So what, you've never even asked him. Henry: Once, and he said When you're ready, I'll tell you. And then he winked at me, which sent a chill down my spine. Holly: Okay, he likes stuffed animals. Does he also like, you know, girls. Henry: All I know is that he goes out with a lot of women and they really seem to love him. A friend to go to musicals with. Jeff: What do you want me to do, fire her. Gary: Jeff, I am shocked that would even cross your mind. I can't believe you would stoop this low to get it. Mindy: Hey, nobody's making you leave, Val. Val: Yeah, but you know that if she goes, I'll go with her. What could be sweeter than two sisters who love each other. Holly: Now, can I ask you a question. Holly: Were you really 24 your first time. Holly: Then it's just going to sit there as a symbol of our consideration for each other. In the men's bathroom Henry: I wanted to be alone with you. I know this isn't the most romantic place - flushes urinal with his elbow - but it is the place we met. How about it, you like this take charge thing. Henry: When I first met you, when I came out of that stall and saw you here standing here so angry at your sister, I - god, you're angry at your sister a lot. Holly: Can you leave her out of it. Henry: Sorry, when I talk about it, it makes me sound wise, and you like it when I'm wise. Holly: I like a lot about you, Henry. Henry: And I like a lot about you. In fact, I like you so much, it's been hard for me to express myself because I don't want to say or do the wrong thing. I really wanted to kiss you, you know, where you don't kiss what i like about her quotes first and I kind of surprise you. A really strong, masculine, sexy, take charge kind of kiss, where I look into your eyes and I- Holly kisses him Henry: C'mon, I wanted to do it. You were being so explainy and I was standing here- Henry kisses her Henry: I what i like about her quotes that. We had a magical mystical urge to eat. Lauren: touches Vince's abs Yeah, don't care. Holly: shouting to Henry, upset and angry You know me, you know who I am. If-if we've been dating long enough for you to know that if I could have been there I would have. And that, you know, I'm sorry but something came up and I don't feel that I should be punished for that. And to be perfectly honest, I think you're being a little bit of a bitch right now. Henry: I have to have major surgery. Henry: I have to have my wisdom teeth removed. No one knows they're going into a hush tone coma when they go into a hush tone coma. Val: Peter says I've got to be a team player. I have always been a team player, I just happen to hate this team. Holly: If you hate work so much, why don't you just quit. Start your own company and you can have exactly the way you want it. Hire all women and maybe a sassy gay guy. Val: circles a finger around Holly's head Oh, I wish I lived in there, I bet it's full of funny cartoons and stuff. Holly: Look, Val, if this is about money, I've got 1300. Gary: Okay, Val - what i like about her quotes, the way Gary sees it, you got three choices: you can find yourself another job and pray it's going to be a better situation, do what Holly said and start your own company, or do what 99% of the world does and stay where you are and suck it up. Peter: Here, call the wife and tell her that Mike has arranged for you to take her out on the town, anywhere she wants to go, anything she wants do. I want this credit card company to call me up scared. Val: So you're talking some hot girl on girl shopping. Henry: You know the worst thing a guy can be in his life is a chump. And when I said that, I totally set myself up to be a chump. Henry: Not yet, but it runs strong in my family. My dad was a chump, his dad was a chump, my cousin's a chuuuump. Somebody's got to step up and break the cycle. Henry: You need me to chill out, don't you. Henry: Well, I promise you, I will you I will chill out. Because, I don't want to lose you. And the dentist gave me these. Holds out some prescription pills Holly: Val, you were awesome, I'm so proud of you. I'll be back in two seconds, I'm gonna hit up the supply closet and steal everything that's not nailed down. Val: You'll like it when you see it with the logo. Holly: Does it cover up the name Val Co. Val': Holly does it really sound that bad. I already have her pictured in my head. She's fat, looks like a troll, and has a glass eye. Tina: Then why don't I go and report back. Holly: What if she's prettier than me. Holly: What kind of crappy are you. Holly: He doesn't look different. Holly: Henry, he still looks like a virgin. Tina: Yeah, I think he's stuck with that look. When Vince says he did it with a celebrity and nobody can guess who it is Gary: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Vince: I don't think that's three names or legal. Gary: Not for another two hundred and forty-eight days. The maid on The Brady Bunch. Vince: pauses, then gives in Yes. Why Tina and Holly have to get off the subway Holly: We need cheese. Val: People from Yale are such jackasses. I'm sure he was a very nice man. Vince: on what he saw before the car hit him I also saw what i like about her quotes baseball glove, my gross Uncle Ruben, and an unfamiliar cat. Gary: Yet you can't look away. Henry: to Holly I would like to point out that the salad Henry is going to an Ivy League school while the beef Vince rides a bike for a living. After seeing shirtless Gary Lauren: Sweet mother of God. Holly, Tina, and male customer: Damn. Vince: Isn't that our whole problem. Now I get to see even more of that guy. Val: Covering her wrist You'll never guess what Rick got me as a wedding present. Val: It's a letter to Rick with a heart. I don't do hearts, I do smiley faces. Lauren takes it What are you doing. Lauren: Opening the letter A little open heart surgery. Holly: singing off key You make me feel like a natural woman. Gary: You're gonna wear something low cut, right. Holly: What do you think, Ben. Ben: I think you could use a little more rehearsal. Holly: Tina stole my sheet music. Storms out Lauren: If they could only steal her voice. Tina: I know you weren't lying to me. Holly: So you really think my voice sucks. Ben: Out being your knight in shining armor. Vince: mocking Knight in shining armor. Val: He's from the same country as the Beatles. Vince: about Ben What's Queen Elizabeth so excited about. Holly: It's gonna ruin his career. Vince: Fiona, this is my friend Holly. I said you should work it out. Holly: Who knows what else he's lied about. Normal voice How hard was that. Gary: What if she and Ben didn't break up. She's never gonna forgive him for this. Holly: When you love someone, you forgive them. Holly: Yeah, I've been waiting for the perfect moment. I know its only been two months and its okay if you want to wait to tell me but-- Ben: I love you, too. Lauren: Are you seriously not going to go to the club and see if your sister pulls this off. Val: That's because Holly hasn't let me turn on the heat all week. All I'm saying is that I'm going to the club. Lauren: I'm just saying that Holly came by today and told me that you have been there for every big moment in her life, and she couldn't believe you were going to miss this one. Lauren: Well, actually, she came by to make sure I didn't have any unnecessary lights on, but I read between the lines. Holly: about college I didn't have a passion for it. Gary: Did you tell your sister. Holly: I didn't have a passion for that either. Ben: You just need a little push. And pushes, and pushes, and pushes. Holly: Vince, why did you what i like about her quotes on a guy in a mermaid suit. Children: Trick or treat-- Val pushes them away Val: You dropped out of college. Holly: All out of candy little girl. Holly got a much bigger crowd for Danielle then she did for you. Ben looks at him I'm just saying. Ben: Yeah, well size doesn't matter. Vince: You keep telling yourself that. Holly: I'm going back to college on Monday. Rick: Cause I swore he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. Ben pulls a girl from the crowd onto the stage and dances with her Holly: Good. Girl kisses Ben Holly: Security, get the slut off the stage. Tina: You know the vet that I work for. I get jealous when he talks to another woman. Holly: That other woman is his wife, Tina. Val: Thats the day I stopped being Val and became the loose one. Val: Your mom likes old sheep. Lauren: Why would she look on the internet. Holly: Uhm Lauren there are other things on the internet besides porn. Holly: Besides, Ben's not the jealous type. He's all evolved and European. I got to kiss her like eight times. Ben: I know I cant believe it. I've never been jealous in my entire life. What the hell are you doing to me, Holly. Ben: I'm just going to have to rise above it, and not ask who the better kisser was, me or Vince. Holly: Wow, when you get jealous, you get jealous. The woman lives 'til 95 and she can't hold on another week. Lauren: Hey, listen I talked to the old guy. Holly: Yeah, well, that narrows it down. Store Owner: to Vince And a special hello to you, Popeye. Holly: We have to get that address. They all nod and look at Vince Gary: How about it, Popeye. Vince: Takes off his jacket Damn this face and body. Holly: She's pictured the dress, she's pictured the roses-- Gary: She picture her fiancé with another woman. Holly: Hypothetically, if there was a tidal wave coming to New York, would you want to be warned, or be surprised and see if you survive. Val: Is there any what i like about her quotes in this tidal wave. Holly: But if you ever hurt my sister. Gary: The secrets pop out of my mouth like a gumball. Ben: It means that I'm playing guitar on the Jack Johnson tour, and I'm leaving tomorrow night after the wedding for two months. Holly: I won't see you for two months. Ben: Well, they said I could bring my manager with me, and that just so happens to be my girlfriend. Gary: Why are you staring at Ben's boxers. Throws boxers on the ground and jumps on them Vince opens the door, and Tina rushes in Tina: I hate my life. Vince: to empty door Hi, Tina, come on in. Tina: to Vince Remember what i like about her quotes said not to talk about it. Tina: It means when someone has sex with someone it was a huge mistake. Shoves a piece in her mouth Vince: To Tina, when they're alone Well, ahaha isn't this awkward. Julie: I didn't call him, he called me. Julie: I was just as surprised as you, which is why I'm crying. This is not what I waited my whole life for. Val: I'm not going to let something like the bride and groom breaking up spoil my wedding. Gary: Did I ever tell anyone that you wrote Celine Dion a fan letter. Holly: You wanna open presents. Shoves gift in her face Gary: This is a little awkward. Since you and I are best friends, we don't keep secrets from each other. The girl that I hooked up with was Tina. Val: I want to be numb so I don't feel anything ever again. Val: How come you heard all the mean stuff I said under my breath and none of the nice stuff. I was just double checking because. I couldn't believe you still liked me. Lauren: And what about that annoying British accent. Holly: Lauren, Ben's the one with the accent. Lauren: We're not talking about Ben. Lauren: Better cover up the supremes. Tonight is not about you girls. Tina got hers, didn't you, Tina. Tina: playing along Totally got it. Ben: muttering Of course she got invited, she slept with him, for God's sake. Would Tina meet me on the patio. Everyone just talk amongst yourselves. Dell: Tell me, have you had any serious relationships. I just broke up with this British guy named Ben. Because he said I still like this guy. Vince hearing from the radio : Smen. Val hearing from another radio : Smen. Gary: Uh, well, she's not in Princeton visiting Henry. The radio guy told her to talk to her boyfriend, listen to his side. Gary: Well, you know, Henry was her first love and. Oh, god, do you think they'll get back together. Gary, don't let them get back together. Holly: Henry, you look so college-y. Henry: I was going for a beard, but this was all that came in. Holly: Hey, I remember when we first met - you didn't even have facial hair. Girl: Uh, excuse me, do you happen to have a pen. Henry and the girl kiss Holly: Wow. Holly: Henry, my god, she's so cute. How long have you guys been going out. Holly: Henry, how come you didn't tell us about her. Henry: bluntly No one called me. Henry: Her name's Holly and that's not sick. Holly: I didn't say it was sick. Her last name's not Tyler, is it. Henry: So, out of curiosity, why did you come out all this way to talk about Vince. Wouldn't it be easier to talk to Vince. You know, with you and me, our feelings don't get in the way. We're basically brother and sister. Henry: I guess the best way to put this is would be. When things get not perfect, you start looking for other guys. Wow, just sitting in Princeton is making me smart. Vince is the guy who keep going back to. Holly: And then I keep running away from him. Why do I keep running away from him. During Holly's fantasy Henry: Vince speaks French. Fantasy Vince: Did I tell you they're publishing my novel based on our love. Henry: C'mon, Vince speaks French and he wrote a novel. Holly: And he has a castle in Ireland. Holly: Henry, you're so smart. Oh my god, if I didn't date you and break up with you, and then date you and break up with you, I'd so date you again. I'm not available - remember I got myself another Holly. Holly: Well, she's a lucky girl. They hug Fantasy Vince: Hey, Henry. Henry: About Vince Look at this guy. Even when I loved you, he loved you. Vince gives him a dirty look But I digress. Take a look at what you're missing. I can't believe she and Henry. Ben: Look, if she was going to sleep within the line of succession, then it should have been me, you, and then Henry. Lauren: to Gary I'll make her laugh. Gary: to Lauren I'll have sex with her. Me neither, and we're over thirty. Val: Lauren, I had the worst nightmare - I dreamt that I called Rick up and cussed him out really bad and then went to Atlantic City and had a drink - or six - and then I married- Vic walks in Val and Lauren: Vic. Vic: Honey, you really got to be more careful - you left your wedding ring on the sink. Lauren: Oh, you know, same old, same old. You've been secretly dating Vic. And I knew there was a chemistry between you two when he was our boss, but you didn't want to date him because he was our boss and now you're married, how could you not tell me. Lauren: Hey, how come when you drink, you get a husband and when I drink, I just get puffy. Fireman are getting an annulment. Lauren: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. God made you drunk and sent you a husband. And not just any one, but someone you already had feelings for. Vic: Yeah, I'm not gonna, baby. Vic: I don't want to end this marriage. Lauren: Because you're an adulterer. Vince: I'm going to take a cold. Val looking at her ringing phone : Oh my god, it's Holly. Oh, hey, she's going to be so excited we got married. And I can't say 'hi' either because she will sense in my 'hi' that something is wrong, terribly terribly wrong, like we got married. Vic: Oh, look at you, you're all feisty in the morning. Holly: Oh, thank god she's okay. Lauren: Why wouldn't she be okay. Nothing crazy at all happened while you were gone. Holly: Because, I just got home and there's a prowler in the loft and I might have killed him. Lauren: Hey, good news Val, Holly might have just killed your husband. Val: Oh god, oh god, what if Vic never leaves. Holly: What is happening to you. There are other ways to get him out. Val: No, Holly, I have tried everything. I begged, I reasoned, I even called the police, but they all know him and they congratulated me. Holly, we are legally married. That sonofabitch fireman is never going to leave. Vince: I've been waiting on the terrace for two hours for you to apologize. Holly: Well, I gonna go to apologize to you before, but I thought that you needed time to cool off and so I thought I'd wait 'til the morning and then I really tried to find this middle thing that Val talked- Vince: What the hell is going on. What happened to the girl who used to come yell at me every five minutes. The girl who used to tell me exactly how she felt. The girl who didn't question every move she'd make. Holly: I think she left town when you and I started dating. If you forgive her, I could probably get her back. Holly, to Vic's firefighter coat and helmet Holly: You hang in there, fireman. Holly: Isn't there a job where you get paid to make out. Vince: Yeah, we could be Ladies of the Night. Gary: Come on man, you went and told Holly that I have unwanted feelings of a desire-ist nature towards Tina. Vince: No, I didn't tell her, you just did, Gary. Gary: Oh no, I just blurted out my own secret. Ohhh, I can't tell me anything. I may have feelings for Gary other than hate. Vince: Then you might be sending mixed signals by making out with her. It's nice to know I'm not the only one you fight with. What i like about her quotes I am fighting with her because I love her. The poker guy she has been emailing with is married. Lauren is a beautiful girl, she deserves to be in a healthy relationship. Because Vince will want to call all of his girlfriends. Vince: Don't worry, I can always use Holly's ankle bracelet as an antenna. Gary: What is wrong with you people. Tina has graciously all invited us for a lovely weekend in Vermont. Now, I for one, adore free stuff. Val: Charlie, this is a diamond bracelet. Charlie: I had a really excellent time tonight. Charlie: It matches your eyes. Lauren: Excuse me, I just swallowed a xylophone. Val: You found where I hid your computer. Lauren: Oh, what, a person can't just swallow a xylophone. Vic: Hey, buy her a bottle of tequila - she might marry you. Gary: Great, now look what you just. I what i like about her quotes never be mad at you, jacuzzi. Holly: So, you really don't trust you. Vince: How many times are you going to ask me. Vince: Listen, maybe I was getting scared that the sign of a first problem you gonna go running back to Henry or Ben or someone you met in Vermont. I can't believe you didn't know that. Vince: And I love you, I can't believe you didn't know that. Holly: I don't know, it's just when all saw all those numbers of the girls in your phone, it brought me back all the numbers of the girls in your phone. That was the old me, thinking I was with the old you. Vince: But we're not those people anymore. Holly: Those people must be eliminated. Vince: Listen, I understand why that ankle bracelet means so much to you. I mean, Henry was your first love. I can't keep going through this. Okay, now I'm going to a singles party dressed as a naughty flight attendant, so I can find someone to fly me. Yes I'm actually going with that line. Holly: Hmm, never had one of those before. Vince: I know, first time, a lot of pressure. Vince: Yeah, I know, I know, it's just I've had a lot of other crackers and I've never loved any of them. Holly: I'm sure it'll be fine. Vince: But I want it to be more than fine, I want it to be everything you've ever dreamed of. Vince: I just don't want you to be disappointed. You're supposed to be at the firehouse. I was supposed to be alone tonight, peaceful and happy, like how I was before the incident. Vic: Oh, you mean the drunken marriage incident. Val: Can you not use the full title. Because that makes me look bad. Charlie, Vic can't be your best man. Vic: Val, didn't you just hear Charlie. I mean, I have said the exact words to you, We're soulmates. I know things happened fast, but we were meant to be. I know in my gut, you're the one for me. I mean, we were even wearing the same outfits. Val: No, your cape is black, his was red. Vic: Look, Val - I finally get it, okay. I get why you keep keeping fighting us, I get why you keep pushing me away. I must look like a nut to you, too. Val: Well, sometimes you feel like a nut. Vince: Holly, there's something I have to tell you and it's really embarassing. Holly: Tell me - you know, you can tell me anything. Vince: I just wanted tonight to be so perfect and I got. Vince: Yeah, I got it bad and you can't touch me - it's highly contagious. Holly: Oh, let me get you some- Vince: No, I'm just- I'm just gonna sleep it off. Holly: You can sleep off poison ivy. Vince: Starve a cold, sleep off a poison ivy. Charlie: Why doesn't Val love me. I mean, okay, I'm not her brother, but I have other things I can offer - children with one head. Vic: his cell phone rings Oh, hey - hold your pain. Holly: And why did you lie to me. I checked out your body last night when you were sleeping and you don't have any red dots or hives or bumps, and I checked everywhere. Vic: Honey, your dad is coming all the way from Japan. Why can't I meet my father-in-law. Val: Because your father-in-law doesn't know he's a father-in-law. And he ain't goin' find out because you're not coming back until he's gone. Vic: Okay, so what you're saying is, you want me back. Even if your pants have holes. Holly: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend. Vince: holds out his hand Uh, this isn't pee, I was just wiping off cheese. Jack Tyler: doesn't take Vince's hand You'll forgive me. Holly shakes her head Jack: Ben. Have you met Val's- Val: Personal trainer. What are you doing here, personal trainer. Vic: Uh, well, we have the appointment for personal training. Val: Uh, well, I'm going to have to cancel that, seeing as my dad's here. I won't be to see you all week. Jack: You have a personal trainer. Val: Why, do you think I'm fat. Val: loud whisper What is wrong with you. Val: loud whisper I just want five minutes alone with Dad so I can show him what a success I've become. Holly: loud whisper Well, I really want him to like Vince, and Vince has already made a horrible impression. Vince: Okay, you're not whispering. Val: Don't you have a client there tonight, trainer. Vic: Yes, but you just cancelled. Lauren: Ah, well, hi there, Daddy. The girls did not tell me you were tall, silver, and handsome. Call me Mommy, just let me feel the beat of that. Val: to Vic as they are running Come on. I got 3 inch heels on and I'm still runnin' faster than you. Is this how what i like about her quotes run into a burning building. Vic: Hey, I'm doing it on purpose, I'm watching you from behind - very sexy. Now daddy's gonna think I'm a whore. Earlier today, he told me I was fat. Holly: C'mon, we only have an hour alone what i like about her quotes Daddy if you're going to make a better second first impression. Holly: Did you see the impression that Vince left. Dad is only here for two days and every second is crucial. Val: Think I was born yesterday, dropout. Holly: Well, let me tell you something drunken married lady. Vic: Um, okay, well, the good news is that this is way bigger than both of your secrets. Vince: Oh, ho ho, my cheese pants pale by comparison. I wanted to make my grand entrance for the Silver Fox. Your dad and Toshi did a great job decorating. Holly: Well, I think it's great. All these years, I thought Mom was a woman. Lauren: Okay, so, he turned gay three years ago. The wife, may she rest in peace, had no clue. But he loved her, they were soulmates. Vic: Lauren, should you really be listening. Jack Tyler: This is why I haven't come what i like about her quotes the last couple of years. I was afraid that you'd hate me. Val: Daddy, we don't care who you're in love with, as long as you're happy. Jack: You have no idea how much that means to me. Lauren still eavesdropping : Why can't my daddy be gay. Jack Tyler: Is there something you two want to tell me. Val: Yes, Daddy, uh, there's something I've been want to get off my chest. Holly: Val got drunk and got married. Please don't be disappointed in me. And again, Holly quit college. Jack: How could you keep something like this from me. Val: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Jack: Honey, I'm gay, not blind. And as for you, young lady - we'll talk about this later. Lauren: Girls, your new mommy and I have a great idea. We have so much to celebrate, let's go out and party. Holly: Oh, yes, I love that idea. I work so hard every day, not like the rest of my generation, partying away their dad's money at college. Gary: You know what, it's kind of fun being gay. Tina: Oh, please, you're not cute enough to be a gay guy. Jack Tyler: Honey, don't get out of this. Jack: Don't end this marriage. Look at me, look at me, look, look, look. You're in love with him and he's in love with you. I've been watching the two of you all night. Val: Oh, please, just 'cause you're gay, you're all intuitive. Jack: We're a very sensitive people. It also helps that I'm your father and I know what i like about her quotes better than anyone. Now tell me, what are you afraid of. Leaving the house with the flat iron on. Jack: Getting your heart broken. Jack: I'll tell you what, sweetie, get over it. To be in love with someone who loves you and not go for it just because you're scared. Trust me, you're going to miss out on an awful lot. Val: You haven't had every guy walk out on you. Jack: Did you ever think if they didn't, you wouldn't have ended up with Vic. When it's the right guy, he won't leave. As you know, tonight is the premiere of our jazz hands Jazz Night. In an effort to bring in a finer clientele, I have created a more upscale look. Lauren: Who made you the boss of me. Lauren: Ha ha, and then what happened, you woke up. Val is like an older sister to me - why would she pick you over me. Lauren: Did you promote Gary over me and if so, why. Do you compare it to hell because it's all hot and sweaty, and kinda burns. Holly: What is wrong with us, Val. Holly: And you don't know what you want. They are meant to be, there's no way I'm letting her lose this one. Tina: Is because you feel guilty about ruining her wedding last year. If I didn't ruin her wedding, she would never have met Vic. Tina: The man that she's getting an annulment from. We've got-- Val: interrupts Holly. Holly: rushes We've got Vic. Holly: What is the matter with you. Holly: Well, I am not confused. You and Vic need to be together tonight. Val: Well, it's a little late for that. At the charity auction; where firemen are being auctioned off Vic: Val. Holly: Ok, I've got a hundred. Val looks at her I'm not just another pretty face. Holly: What i like about her quotes calling your baby, baby. Lauren: I know that he is married. That's why I have to meet him. So I can tell him that he's married and that it's wrong. Gary: about Lauren I can't believe I wasted my pearls of wisdom on that woman. Holly: Have you started drinking yet. Vince stares her, stumbling over his words Vince: You're pretty. Holly: about Bianca You're supposed to be distracting her. Vince: pushing her away Shhh. Val: I hate that I'm so confused, and scared, and stuck, and-- Vic kisses her After Holly and Vince walk in and see Val and Vic kissing Holly: I never thought that would happen. I mean with the way the day started out. I think I've been forgiven for last year and this year. Do you realize if I didn't break up that wedding, that never would have happened. Vic: Okay, Val, from the second we got married, you said this relationship wouldn't work because we did everything backwards. Vic: I'm what i like about her quotes to give you everything you've ever dreamed of. Val: Uh, well, I did not dream that. You just made this my best Thanksgiving, too. Can I talk you about something. Use the cream from the third shelf in the medicine cabinet, takes away everything. Vince: Gary, it's about Holly. Tell Holly to use the cream from the third shelf in the medicine cabinet - Vince: Gary, it's not about that. I saw Holly's paycheque - it's huge. I can't stop thinking about it, man. She makes so much more money than me. I'm supposed to be the provider. Gary: No, no, you're the man because you found yourself a rich girlfriend. Vince: So, it wouldn't bother you that your girlfriend makes twice as much money as you. Gary: Look, why make it a problem when there is no problem. Vince: Yeah, but it bugs me that she- Gary: Okay, so you think that Holly is so far beneath you that she isn't entitled to make more money that you. Vince: No, it's just that- Gary: Oh, so then she doesn't deserve to make more money. Vince: No, she deserves- Gary: Then it's your stupid pride. Gary: Now, what are you going to do about it. Gary: Weird, man, but real man. Gary: Now, you know you're gonna have to pay for that. A real man can let his woman pay for his muffin. Gary: Now, that's what I'm talkin' about. Keep it pimpin, player, keep it pimpin. Vince: So, I got your text message. You need your man for something. Tried be cool, but I cannot be a kept man. Gary: You ain't trying hard enough. Holly: I hate him so much right now, but I don't know why. Vince: I gotta make more money, Gary. Holly's just gonna make more and more. I'm telling you, she's going places. And I'm just going to those places to deliver packages. Gary: I'm sorry, I'm getting my clients all mixed up. Yeah, it's not often you see a teddy bear in his. Hate your guts talking about why Vic likes being a fireman Val: You like almost dying. Vic: No, that's not my favorite part of the job. You wanna wear a cool hat, get a job as a wizard. Talking about Robyn Holly: Everytime me and Vince make plans she always has some work thing for him makes air quotes Tina: Why did you just make air quotes. I was practicing what I was going to do to her eyes. Val: Lauren, have you ever wondered what Vic does for a living. He's one of New York's bravest. Upon seeing Vic with a wizard hat Val: Looks like someone's codeine kicked in. Vic: I'm going to be a wizard. Vic: I know it's ambitious, but just think how safe you'll be from the dragons. Vic telling Val he quit his job as a fireman Val: You what. Vic: I thought that's what you wanted me to do. Val: How do you know what I want. I don't even know what I want. Vic: You're a strange strange woman. Holly: Wait wait wait, let me see, let me see it. Vic: How's that for Val's birthday present. Holly: Oh my god, it's gorgeous. It's so much prettier than any of her other wedding rings. Val: Um, okay, honey, I know you said I shouldn't ask you about our dinner tonight, but just so I know- Vic: Okay, look, I'm sorry but I'm not telling you anything. Val: Okay, but I just need to know what to wear, okay. So, should it be something dressy or does the restaurant have a playground. Tina: about Lauren Oh my God. She turned it around and pulled the surprise party out of her ass. Holly: If only she could pull some morals out of her what i like about her quotes. Lauren: Unless you want to disappoint your sister on her birthday. Your-your hair is so Footloose. Holly: You should totally give her the ring now. I want to give it to her when we're alone. Holly: What's more perfect than doing it in front of all the people she loves. Vic: Honey, I've been waiting for the perfect moment do this all day, but the truth is, any moment with you is perfect. So Val, I want to ask you in front of all the people you love. Val, will you be already married to me. Holly: gasps Oh my gosh, you're on a bus bench. Vince, look how big your head is. People trust people with big heads. Holly: Hmm, yes, you know what, you're right. Who wouldn't want to buy an apartment from that big head. Vic to his mother : Okay fine, you don't have to meet her. Vic: Uh, we have decided we're not going to stay, but thank you anyway, miss. Eileen: Wait, why don't we ask her. Vic: Ma- Eileen: Miss, what if your baby went off to some godforsaken place like Atlantic City, met a floozy, and an hour later married her. Wouldn't you want to kill yourself. I'd want to meet the girl first. Vic: Yeah, um, Ma, this is Val, my wife. And um, Val, this is my mom - to his mother don't say anything mean - Eileen. Gary: So once Vince's head gets big from seeing his big old head on that bench, do think they're going to have to make a bigger bench to fit his bigger head. Tina: Someone a little jealous. Gary: I think you've got it the other way around. It's hot chocolate, served by hot chocolate. Val: Oh my god, Lauren, all I wanted to do was get her to like me and look what happened. Lauren: Yeah, I know, you guys are besties. Val: That's because she's an alcoholic and I just pushed her off her wagon. Oh, this is such a mess, I was going to charm her, you know, take her Uptown, buy her a scarf, a brooch, maybe some Gina Tae splash. Lauren: Honey, believe me, things could be worse. Val: How could things be worse, Lauren. Lauren: That would be your example. Holly: Did you see the atrocity. Tina: I know, how could you miss it. Vince and that Robyn are plastered all over the city. Holly: Okay, so we gotta get us some giant Sharpes. I'm thinking black teeth and her original nose. Tina: Oh, come on Holly, you're better than that. I know, how about Dumbo ears and a Hitler mustasche. Lauren: Oh my god, that guy is cute. I should ask him out for a drink. Lauren: Are you coming in, Mrs. Holly: Guess I shouldn't wear this while we're thinking. Gary: Well, I know how stupid you are. Val: To Marcus Would you like a muffin. Lauren: about all the fireman in the bakery It's like a gay bar. A mugger comes up behind Vince and grabs him Mugger: Don't say a word. Holly: back turned, thinking its Vince Oh, I won't-- Vince: Holly. Mugger: Just give me all your money. Holly: Yes, and our valuables. Val: They're not being fire men, they're being firebabies. I would ask you for the strawberries but you'd probably charge me for them. Holly: Okay, if that what you want to believe, that's fine. But I know something you don't know. I promised Robyn that I wouldn't tell. Vince: What are you talking about. Holly: If I tell you what I promised, then I would be telling you. Officer Rubin: Can you tell me. Holly: Well, if Robyn never said that I couldn't tell you. So, Robyn fired him, remember. Vince: She had every- Holly: Remember how you were rehired five minutes later. Holly: Because I went back that day to beg for Robyn to give you your job back. Vince: I can't believe it - why didn't you ever tell me. Officer Rubin: Uh, she promised. Holly: You totally said that you were going after my man. Gary: All right, fantastic four, back together again. Lauren: Well, after your big fight, I came over here to calm her down. And eat your romantic dinner - shrimp has a very small window. I don't want to be right anymore. I just want to be right here in your arms. Vic: Good, because this exactly where I want you to be. Vic: We're the one millionth customer. Okay, I'll see you in the morning, baby. Val: Okay, just listen, be careful. Holly: I think that we're done. Holly walks into her apartment Vince: Holly. The door to his apartment opens Gary: Oh my damn. Vic: Huh, yeah, well, that's kind of funny. Huh, we thought we were married, but we're really not. We thought we were married, but we're not married. Vic: Well, it means we've been living in sin, but without the sin. Val: Oh wait, what are you doing. Val: It's the night before our wedding - it's bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other. Holly: So I was thinking that maybe I broke up with Vince too fast. So what if he doesn't believe Robyn is Satan. I mean, I can see how he might have thought I was being a little crazy and insecure. Holly meets Vic's three brothers Holly: Excuse me, do you guys know a Vic Meladeo. Holly: I'm Holly Tyler, I'm looking for my sister. Michael: Hey, we're Vic's brothers. Val's a little tied up with Vic right now, but perhaps we can help. Officer Rubin: Excuse me, I'm looking for Holly Tyler. Officer Rubin: Oh, thank you, ma'am, but it's not mine, it belongs to Holly Tyler. Tina: Oh my god, is that the purse the mugger stole. No sign of the lip gloss, but we have our best men on it. See, this is what I've been trying to tell you. I don't even know why you would want to marry me. Oh, I was soooo happy for you when I found out we weren't married, because I thought Yay. But that didn't work either, you still wanted to marry me. You want to have six kids with me - are you insane. Can you imagine six me's running around. Val: Do you think I can change other things. Ooh, like um, like my pre-martial break-up fears. Or my post-marital break-up fears. Ooh, maybe I can have three kids. Vic: Uh, well, I'm thinking two of you running around is plenty. Tina: Oh, it's my boyfriend, Officer Rubin - one of New York's hottest. Gary: There's something sleazy about that police guy. Vince: Maybe it's the way he puts his neck on the line every day to protect the citizens of this great city. Vince: The second she started dating Rubin, Gary started walking around with his shirt off. Vince: We weren't friends then. Lauren: The only crime here is takin' a picture of me from that angle. I'm goin' to look like Nick Nolte. Now, c'mon, you're going to take it again. Holly: I'm sorry for ruining your night, and your night last night, and for all the nights I will ruin in the future. Vic: Okay, honey, I know it's not how you pictured it, but nothing about our relationship is how you pictured it. Val: Baby, it's just that you get married once, you know. Vic turns away to avoid laughing. Lauren and Tina start laughing. Holly: You know what I love, Tina. Everyone doing everything for me. Vince: I can't believe I trusted you. And you know what would really make me mad. If you made out with me right now. Robin: Eh, it was worth a shot Lauren: to Val, who is being pessimistic about her Star Wars-themed wedding Stop looking for the Dark Side, Ms Darth Vader. Val: I can choose to be happy, it's so simple. Oh my god, I lived my whole life - oh, no, Lauren, do you think I made Holly this way. She acts happy when she's really sad. Lauren: You're both totally screwed up. Hey, now that I've cured you, maybe should pay it forward and help Holly. I can get them to move away the door and buy me a Cadillac. Vic: My god, you're still crying. Vic: Listen, Gary, I know what you're going through, okay. Jack Tyler: Vic, where are my daughters. This time there is going to be a wedding, I swear it. Jack Tyler: I never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life. Val: Yeah, yeah, Dad, let's walk and talk. Vic: So, hey, did you notice, huh. The guys and I worked all night so you could have your dream wedding. I know you were trying to go with the flow, baby, but I know you. Val: Oh, you don't know me at all. What makes my dream wedding is you. Vic: What, you mean, I could have had Yoda?.
Jeff: If we are, do I still have to watch Riding in Cars with Boys? Holly: I'm sure it'll be fine. Vince: We weren't friends then. Lauren: touches Vince's abs Yeah, don't care. Male co-worker 2: Does the second floor know? Vic: Uh, we have decided we're not going to stay, but thank you anyway, miss!
